Sunday 1 January 2012

The Pain in Looking Back



The end of the year had me reassessing...not just 2011, but looking further back, looking back on regrets and mistakes, and sins....alot of regrets, alot of shame. I don't really like looking back because it is painful for me to do so, and I feel there are still lots of unresolved hurts that I am responsible for and haven't ... resolved. I know the truth is that Jesus did pay a tremendous price for me....once something is done, it can never be undone, just like a word that has been spoken can never be unspoken. There can be (and thankfully, there is) forgiveness....but the pain and the consequences of past troubles follow me still.

I think about Adam and Eve, the very first ones to make a terrible choice, to feel the guilt and the shame of it, and to have all the future generations paying for it, the price of submitting to satan. I think of them being cast out of the most beautiful garden we could ever imagine, into a cold harsh world where the ground needs to be tilled and weeds want to choke out your flowers and vegetables, and of having one son murder the other. The grief and the pain, and the sorrow they must have felt for those 900+ years of their mortality....but they had joys also. They had many other children, and the promise of the One who would come that would set all of creation straight again.

I cannot undo what I've done...that train left the station long ago, and I cannot go back and redo. If I could, I would be able to give myself the credit for righting myself and being my own savior. I cannot, but God told me He can do what I cannot. He can, through His forgiveness and healing, right all of my wrongs, and cross out the death sentence that is written against me, with His blood. He can take me in His arms, and love me, though my sins are like scarlet. He isn't ashamed of me, although I am so ashamed about the truth about me.

DebbieLynne brought up her thankfulness to Jesus, and she reminded me that the best way to thank Jesus is to tell others how thankful I am for what He has done for me. Is there a better way to say thank you to Jesus than to tell others that I am thankful of Him?

This is my New Years resolution, and my prayer:

That I will be a better listener
and
that I will tell others of the good things Jesus has done for me personally
and that I am truly thankful


Mat 11:28  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Mat 11:30  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

11 comments:

  1. That is beautiful Susan, all of it.

    I know so much the hurt in looking back, and how I think and wish I could've done things differently, too.

    All I can do is trust in Him that will make all right.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Ma,

    He can, and will, and does. :) I know that I will carry the pain, as well as the hope, for the rest of my mortal life....by His stripes I am healed...

    When reading DebbieLynne's blog last night, I thought about the 10 lepers that were healed by Jesus, and only one returned to thank Him. On first glance that seems so terrible of the other 9... but it is so easy (like the other 9) to go on and live like a healing was deserved somehow, that God owed me a healing, and to take it (healing), and Him, for granted. I so do not want to live that way. All that talk about how we are to live for Jesus by not celebrating Jesus on Christmas had me thinking and praying about this, and about what truly is important to Him. A life lived in thanksgiving to Him and what He has done was His answer to me. However the Spirit moves me to live in thankfulness, by sharing the truth about His forgiving power as He has done for me, not in a formulaic script planned out ahead of time, going door to door or whatever, but as Jesus directs with each circumstance in my life lived for Him.

    Will I do it perfectly? No. But I trust that He will do in my life what He wants to fulfill for His purposes perfectly indeed. :D

    ReplyDelete
  3. This reminds me of the person who asked God for forgiveness. He was forgiven. He asked God about his sin on a later date. God said He did not remember the sin. The person had already been forgiven and the sin forgotten. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Happy New Year Susan!

    I echo your thoughts here, dear friend, and I love the Bible verses you chose to post.

    It is the core reason for me to love Jesus gratefully acknowledging my total helplessness to salvage anything good from my own powers or actions! Praise Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! When Jesus was presented to me in the witness my grandmother gave to my dad (not me standing there at his side aged 5) I KNEW He was for me, made such an impression on me that I could be forgiven of my wickedness (yes, I at age 5 knew and remember quite clearly my shaming acts that made me not fit to be loved), I am graced by Jesus forgiveness, my greatest possession, given to me by the Holy Spirit right there while nobody even knew I was listening.

    What a deal! Wow! Now that is treasure to last a lifetime and eternity beyond! My life was validated at that moment I became a free born citizen with His blood as my covering.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Musemater,

    That is wonderful to have such a blessing! What a wonderful granny! :)

    My first acquaintance with the Bible was when I was very little I read a little of the Adam and Eve account and the Garden of Eden. When you are that small the words of the Bible have a very powerful effect indeed. When I was about 10 years old my dad felt an urge to return to the Seventh day Adventist church which he grew up with. One day the pastor had a sermon about the parable of the four soils. I was drawing pictures with my brothers, but I was hearing everything that the pastor was saying about the different people being like different soils. I had a desire that I didn't speak aloud, but within myself, that I hoped I was good soil. Now I know the SDA religion has it all wrong, but God could use even that (just as He can use Christmas celebrating His birth) to touch and ignite His Spirit in whomever He desires. I'm sure He has brought the truth to people in the Catholic religion too, even though it is polluted with a whole bunch of wrong traditions, that kernel of truth might still open the way for His own to come to Him, especially children, we know He was especially fond of us when we were still young :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi JT,

    So true about our being forgiven and yet we have trouble believing it. I do see myself still beating myself up for past sins and wrong choices, and even though I know in my head that Jesus forgives me, He is still working on my heart about it.
    Thanks for visiting and I appreciate your comments :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I cannot undo what I've done...that train left the station long ago, and I cannot go back and redo. If I could, I would be able to give myself the credit for righting myself and being my own savior. I cannot, but God told me He can do what I cannot. He can, through His forgiveness and healing, right all of my wrongs, and cross out the death sentence that is written against me, with His blood. He can take me in His arms, and love me, though my sins are like scarlet. He isn't ashamed of me, although I am so ashamed about the truth about me.

    I'm re-reading this post today and saw this again. The part about being your own savior really struck me. If we don't KNOW we need saving - and many people don't - then we won't reach out for a Savior..although I know that is really is Him that does the reaching. Maybe our heart is more open when we feel we are more fallen. He loved us first. He is in control of it all.

    I pray that in the new year God will keep us aware, not of our sins, but of our salvation.

    Love you:)

    ReplyDelete
  8. How willingly He was to even drink the cup of bitterness. Amazing love , that my scarlet sins be pardoned and that my guilty polluted, miserable soul made to the image of God. My joy is so great! The Lord has put away my sins. He has had great mercy on me. To think I might have been condemned to hell long ago but that through His precious blood I have forgiveness. Oh what a sinner I have been. I am amazed that the mercy of God is offered to such a rebel as I who for so long willfully continued to sin. I ask that my sins, Lord be blotted out for your name sake.To think I could have been an example of God's justice but instead He chose to show mercy in forgiving my all. The more I marvel and praise him the more I loath my self and my sins. God has abundantly pardoned.

    Do come over!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Savories of Life,

      I don't think we can even come close to understanding the despicableness of our flesh, and the goodness of God...we only scratch at it's surface. Thank you for visiting and commenting. :)

      Delete
  9. "I don't really like looking back because it is painful."

    I am so with you on this. I don't like looking back either. But I love how Debbie Lynne encouraged you. I think she is right. Telling others how grateful we are for what Christ has done in our lives is the way to give thanks. Amen to that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Denise,

      I love reading your blog also, so much to read, so little time :)

      Delete

Comments are always welcome, however spam will be removed.

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

If a comment is mocking or otherwise unfruitful it will be removed. If a comment is completely irrelevant to the post it likewise will be removed. If the post contains an audio or video teaching and it is obvious that the commenter has not listened to the presentation the comment may (or might not) be posted and I probably won't reply.